FemmeEpisteme

well here I am fasting and finally talking via email to my real dad.

That's life right about now, besides waiting for grad. school acceptance or rejection letters.

Fasting is tough. I've only been at it for like 4 days, but I think its yielding some cleansing results (ie I am rapidly losing weight). I am having a hard time controlling my hands or seeing quite right though. Trying to take a father-figure seriously is tough too. More on that some other time. I'm working full time as well which makes me cranky, though I must say I could used to living at home for a bit longer--its a real money saver and not nearly as obnoxious as I presupposed upon deciding to do it after moving back from Berkeley.

FYI: I thought Lemonheads tasted good. They do not.

Before my friend went off to Cambridge England for a semester he burned me a bunch of CDs so now I feel more in touch with the youth (college-radio crowd) of Amerika and its alright, but I was content with my own sort of rock-chick version of music appreciation mixed with the anglophilic brit rock obsession. Anyway, it all makes driving more adventurous--like what will those crazy white boys do to adulterate "rock" next??

Anyway, today's a day off so I can watch my story and drink some tea and read up on French Feminism. Should I go see Lester's The Knack, and How to Get it later at the Dryden? Perhaps.

slipping glass shards down a sore throat tightened with anticipation of falling.

rotating like a mannequin braless and vulnerable purple nippled wind lacerated

acid washing over my skin.

everything is irritation and mania. mania and irritation.

where is the calm?
think I'll go sit in a puddle of milk and pretend to be ok.

Um why the fuck did Live Journal have to delete "petty_thieves"??? I am new to LJ but that type of censorship is retarded.

So I am getting all packed up to go home. I know this is very exciting information, but it needs to be conveyed. Mostly to myself.

I worry a lot about money lately, though my paychecks are big and fat, a huge portion of my last one is going towards a credit card bill (all my grad school application fees and a 6 month supply of birth control) and my final paycheck from this job will virtually all be going towards my new apts "down payment" (if jill and I do indeed get that fucking apt--fingers simultaneously crossed and knocking on wood)

So I shit constantly.

Today I totally broke away from the diet. Things kind of went a little off the day before when i bought a non-bran muffin. Then today I ate one meal, but it was big and bad: a burrito and chips and salsa. I was trying to kill time and I had a hankering. I figured that was like a last supper in berkeley type of thing. Tomorrow its back to salad and smoothie exclusively though. No fucking around. Actually eating that goddam burrito nearly killed me. Once you haven't eaten stuff like that for a while your body goes nuts when you finally do--I've never felt sooo full.
I am being really cautious with food in general cuz I think my new birth control is strong and is going to try to make me gain weight. Yikes. My boobs already feel swollen and slightly enlarged after less than a week.

Seems like everyone is going to miss me at work. Even though I rarely acknowledge any of them, they seem to want me to like them. Its funny like that. People often react to my standoffishness like that. I guess its likely the case because I can say one thing and astonish a room full of people that I've never spoken to before. Plus all of the other females at my job are butt-ugly, so even my less than stellar looks as of late have served me well. If you define well as getting hit on by old fat guys with lame jobs.

I am revved on caffeine, which was a mistake too. Against the diet. I tried to get a fun beverage while at work. Apparently Ginseng and Energy are just code for "loaded with massive amounts of caffeine and corn syrup in a three serving container" Well pish on the manufacturers of all those lies.

Uncomfortable is the only way I can describe my hideous living situation.

Not sure when things will get comfy for me again (I mean, inside my marvelous, bastard of a mind), but I can bet it won't be possible here. I seem to have acquired a taste for the most destructive things in life and this has made me really pensive lately. What am I to make of my constant need for attention, reinforcement of my ego and the like?

What am I to do with all of this extra baggage (I thought I already had enough).

I'm just exhausted. My body has shut down so completely lately, it's unreal.

What is Your Destiny? by Valcion
Name
Color
Birthday
Destiny	Savior of the human race
Date when you fufill your destiny	March 17, 2010
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

Well like a week from tomorrow I'll be off to New York to live again. Hopefully I will have a place to live. Its doubtful/questionable at this point, given the fucking hassle involved in applying for this apartment in Binghamton.

Today I am off to work. Deliberating on whether to fuck off a bit early and chill here or whether to just make the damned money I know I desperately need and be done with it.

Colored my hair (again) and its definitely sort of a bluish brown (unfortunately). Feel sort of sexy-elderly. Not a horrible feeling actually. Its really rather impressive as a combination.

My diet is going great. I treated myself to a bit of brown rice throughout the week. And today I've had a bit of plain oatmeal. No dairy is really making me feel better. And I think I had the littlest bit of chicken only once during the week--no meat feels fine too. But I will be needing a bit of a protein lift at some point, so I am going to need to explore those options. But eating primarily salad, a bit of brown bread and fruit smoothies is seriously the route to dropping those stubborn extra pounds. Its probably even better than not eating entirely cuz my body is still working with my metabolism to burn this shit off--and shit this shit out (believe me!)

I hate Eddie Izzard. I watched his DVD last night, and I don't think his stand up is very good at all. I think he's banking on the transvestite thing and that's lame. I have been watching a lot of stand up: Pryor, Cross, Cosby, Seinfeld, Izzard, Garafalo, Silverman and Cho because I am really starting to think that I should explore that possibility within myself. I mean, I had a pretty fucked up childhood and I have a pretty fucked up outlook. I am dirty, crass, smart, political, mean and pretty fucking funny once you get me going. I think I am a creative sort and that I always lean towards humor for "transcendence." Anyway, that's what I tell myself.

So basically I listen to a lot of angry rap and tori amos and try to keep my yin and yang in balance and shit. and shit. and boy, do I ever shit. A lot.

well I got to spend my morning in the attic of UC building stuffing envelopes instead of calling households to do research.

Not a bad gig, but I did get stuck with this middle aged guy who wouldn't shut up about being a sports journalist in Nova Scotia and Saskatchewan (pretty unlikely, overblown tales) and how he does voice over work now. I think he took advantage of my polite quietness to just keep on talking. It was one of those things where everytime I would try to interject something, he wouldn't really acknowledge it. Egomaniac essentially. But it was mildly entertaining. And I discovered a new smoothie flavor so its all good.

I also got more foreign drugs today. Yay. The last batch were from Thailand (packaged by prostitutes I hope) and the latest batch are from Pakistan and these pills are a little sketchy. They taste like pure shit. Oh well.

My hair and skin don't like the humidity/rain. at all.

So tonight I think I may go see this play "No Ghost Hamlet" which is essentially Shakespeare's Hamlet without the fathers ghost shit. And Hamlet is a college girl.
Woohoo! I love revisionism. Tickets are 25 bucks so I am hoping its decent--its gotten good reviews.

Well I smell like wet feet so I gotta go remedy that.

Tonight I got asked out by this really old gross man. To go to a "yacht club" function...this guy is totally bullshitting. I bet its a meeting of rufinol addicts. Anyway, I'm trying to think of a good excuse. Unfortunately I didn't just come up with one on the spot. arg...

Oh and this is amusing, also this evening this woman I work, who I would describe as an African-American hippie (Berkeley type #353) asked me to come to this "party" which turns out to be the following:

ALAFIA! Family, friends, and community!

My name is Kirsten Thomas and I am writing on behalf of my godsister (her lover) Erin Alexander. Erin will become a priestess of Osoosi at the beginning of the year and she is busy raising the last $3000 needed for this sacred journey....under the direction of Iyalorisha Obalade, and Bobi Cespedes, Erin has found her spiritual home in Ile Ewe Fun.

W00T. I don't know about you, but this sounds sketchy as all hell. But possibly entertaining. I won't say more unless I know more about this little group. I am definitely cool with sista-power and shit like that, but for real?

You are IN THE SPRINGTIME OF HIS VOODOO!


What Tori Amos Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

How much would people here say they enjoy items they've stolen versus items they bought? I ask because I always feel so much more affection for stuff I ripped off.

Went to the Moma in the city today. Spent like 3 fucking hours. Really do prefer doing the museum thing alone, cuz whenever I drag someone else they wuss out like halfway through.

Diane Arbus exhibit was great. There was a nice and controversial exhibit on Asian Sex Workers, it was all very stark photography, and it made some people uncomfortable. I had some problems with what the artist was doing, or not doing, but I think it was definitely worth spending time with.

Watching a PBS doc on QiGong. I think its hilarious that so much of Western medicine is not preventative like Eastern medicine is--we are finally learning how full of shit science can be.

Back to the show.

Apparently I am not shedding enough blood and vaginal fluids in the journal for the likes of some. If only they knew...ha. Been accused of the ye olde "trite" thing for having some goofs.

Maybe I annoyed a herd-following hipster or someone who is white as the driven snow yet has dredlocks? Shit, I fucking hope so. So I am going to tell anyone listening about what a crazy atheist I am.

I was raised Catholic. Went to Catholic school for a couple of years even. Did the whole confession thing. I never really believed there was actually a god though. Santa? Yes, yes Santa was a cool guy who I definitely believed in and when I realized Santa was a fraud--I was certain that all of people's faithful beliefs were frauds as well.

But, unlike some crazier atheists (like my ex and his cronies), I am really tolerant of religion and religious people. Even when my grandmother sends me statuettes of St. Jude (the "traitor" who eventually came back into the "fold") I smile and nod thankfully. Everytime a prayer card slips out of a birthday card, I don't flip out about it--I heave a little sigh and move the fuck on. Even though Catholicism has harmed more people than its helped, I listen patiently while people describe their positive experiences with the church. I go to Passover dinners with Jewish friends and I have even fasted with a roommate/friend for Ramadan. And one time for Yom Kippur. I have a very good friend who is in the process of becoming a Navy chaplain (militaristic and religious in this case, both of which I personally find problematic) So I am open to religious ideas, different perspectives on morality and duty and I certainly see the metaphorical uses of ritual. But, no, I don't believe in God.

So why do believers have to come down so hard on non-believers? Assuming we are hedonistic misfits who are too daft to see what is so obvious to them: that we are God's precious creation? Why does our President, his fucking Cabinet and most of our House members evoke God in their rhetoric? Where are my wee bitty rights as a non-believer? Why the hell is this being dubbed GOD'S COUNTRY?

Anyway, its 9 in the morning and these thoughts are crossing my mind seeing as how Iraq has been dubbed some kind of holy war, and we've got this ridiculous Patriot Act on our asses. So there, something other than stealing lipstick and starving myself crosses my mind with great frequency.

Well just got home from work.

Some man I called tried to chew me out in a very nice white trash way.
It was actually rather amusing and ended in him yelling "fuck you" at me when I did nothing provocative whatsoever. He'd asked me questions just to cut me off as I tried to answer them. He was a redneck of the worst sort: that is, he was a drunk redneck.

Ah me. And oh my. Makes no neverminds to me.

I think I should enumerate what makes Berkeley an annoying place to live:

1. I live with a cat who constantly attracts fleas
2. Seasonal change is only distinguished by rain
3. Cost of living is retardedly high
4. The homeless are not only depressing, they're young punks who bark at you everyday because they just wanna get high or old men who sit 2 feet apart from eachother in the same spot everyday mumbling after my "spare change"--its like "dude, find a new fucking post. you got too much competition along this block and ALL of Berkeley"
5. The job market sucks
6. I live with my exbloodyboyfriend
7. I hate hippies
8. I hate white people with dredlocks who read a pamphlet on a new lost cause to passively "fight" for everyday
9. I hate hipsters of the white belt and overly shagged out hair variety
10. Everyone here puts all of their unwanted junk on their lawns/curbside as if the fairy godmother who collected aesthetically displeasing things is going to show up and haul away their fucking trash for them.

Essentially I am here for 2 more weeks. That's do-able. I get paid tomorrow which is also nice.
But man, I am tired of this real world bullshit. I want back into school!
ok, I am getting sleepy as hell.

Alright, like I was telling my friend Jill, I believe that posting my new diet regime will help me stick to it--or at least ACKNOWLEDGE ITS EXISTENCE.

First, the no-no’s. This may sound stringent, but this list is generated from everything from Western diet plans (ie Atkins), Eastern (Qigong), to just knowing my own scary habits:

No meat
No pasta
No cheese
No milk
No butter
No eggs
No superfluous sugar
No ice cream
Generally NO DAIRY
No spicy foods
NO MEXICAN, ITALIAN OR CHINESE CUISINE, in fact:
NO EATING OUT UNLESS ITS A SALAD!! (this is key)
No coffee or hot cocoa
No chocolate
No refined flours
No grilled/burned foods
Less salt
No alcohol except wine or clear liquors (very little)

To eat (aka, what passes these lips):
WATER (2 liters a day)
Vegetables (salads with oil based dressings)
Fruit
Fruit Smoothies (of the local Jamba Juice varieties here in Berkeley)
Vitamin supplements
Bran/Hearty wheat products (ie bran muffins, rich bread)
Oatmeal (plain or with some cinnamon)
Brown Rice
Honey
Peanut Butter (very little)
Other nuts
Teas (decaffeinated)
Valium and Birth Control (ha)
Occasional cock (double ha)

So once upon a time I was anorexic...life was sweet. The wind whipped across my cheekbones like a glacier (or some junk) I look emaciated and I wore those groovy over-the-knee socks or knee boots. back in the middle school/high school days. where eyeliner was queen and I was its humble slave.
But I've never felt like a skinny gal. And that's ok. I like some curves...but:

College has ruined me though. Food is evil and it keeps flying into my mouth. In college I kept coming up with these new ways to trick myself like "don't eat breakfast and then enjoy the hunger pangs" or "eat a big breakfast and guilt trip yourself about eating anything else all day" or "only eat what you can steal" or "only eat free food" or "only eat a few times a week at a restaurant" or "drink instead of eating" or "eat only candy and things you really want, skip the meal" or "just drink like 3 liters of water and lots of tea and coffee and urinate constantly" or "just eat bran muffins and shit constantly" or "try fasting" or "just white rice with too much hot sauce to numb your senses"...the list goes on. I can't really psych myself out though, cuz I am a smart-ass. I never did diet pills though, I can honestly say that. I really didn't want to be more spazzy than I already am. I am more of a valium and vodka type of gal.

Not to say that I'm fat, but to me, I am not what I could be, which is deliciously thin. I'm like 5'5'', and my weight fluctuates drastically between 125-135. I just wanna be 115. Is that so fucking wrong? I don't want to be 85 pounds again. Cuz that is plain wrong.

Soooooo:
Here's my plan. I will drink one Jamba Juice a day and maybe one other item (ie bread, oatmeal or the like). I don't believe in no carbs diets (ie Atkins), and truly, I couldn't live like that. Doing nothing but shit orange and green and crave pasta. It would be sad.

Anyway, Jamba Juice is like 3 blocks away on Shattuck and its heaven. Unfortunately I just discovered. Its also a bit pricey. It makes me yummy juice smoothies of the best combinations and it even makes me extra-healthy by giving me extra shots of stuff like vitamins, protein, wheatgrass. I'm going raw folks. Berkeley is getting to me? But seriously Berry Lime Sublime. Cranberry Craze. Strawberry Tsunami. Femme Boost?? I am not made of wood here people, and I break.

Maybe. But I am leaving in like two weeks so it really doesn't fucking matter. I will drink my juice and not eat food. ha ha! I win. Anorexia strikes again? Well I have kettle korn that i just bought which says otherwise

By the way:
I am happy people liked my thievery list. I could add some more rules, such as:
BULK FOOD IS FREE SO EAT IT LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW. But that's really more of an agenda, not a rule.

Also, broken pieces of food contain no calories or fat.

go get speakerboxxx/the love below and you won't be disappointed.

In other "news" I hate going to work on Saturday morning.
And my sink is clogged and I am afraid, literally terrified, to try to unclug it.

Here are my rules for stealing and shoplifting.

1. Stealing from a chain store like Walmart or Target is not only ok--its to be encouraged. Those places deserve the little loses (shrink as they call it) and if we all do it, that adds up to significant losses, which bug people in management which makes me happy. Because those stores suck.

2. Never steal from a mom-and-pop type store. Maybe if you were desperate, but no, I'd actually ask "Ma" first for some help. No stealing from small business because all that "shrink" is significant to them. There may be exceptions to this if you: a.) know the owner is an evil, hateful asshole who likes discriminates against customers or tries to short change you and shit. But even then, that's small pathetic potatoes--go for the big boys!

3. Stealing from a huge place is just easier. They can't possibly watch all the monstrous aisles...But beware employees with fucking walkie-talkies are around but they're usually only walking from one place to the next (ie the break room) or at the very worst, trying to look intimidating. Just non-chalantly watch your back.

4. Try to have several items (not too many) and look like a real shopper. You don't want to get in and out too fast.

5. When you find what you want and its expensive, take it, and move away from that aisle (esp. Cosmetics). Don't put anything in your BIG PURSE or UP YOUR COAT SLEEVE until you are in like fucking home supplies or something. Nobody is watching that area, expecting someone to shove a garden hose down their pants!

6. If possible, select a cheap item, like cotton balls or candy, and buy that after putting the goods safely away in your BIG PURSE/BAG or secure POCKET. Looks like you are a normal person. How many people frequently go into a store like Target without buying a thing? The best is if the store seconds as your pharmacy, cuz then while you're like picking up your birth control (waiting 15 minutes for some ditz to put a package of pills in a fucking bag and charge you 20 bucks) you can be scoping out the goods and getting something special for yourself to balance out your cosmetics bill with your contraceptive bill. (Because you're worth it!)

7. If you really have skills you can do a lot with coat sleeves and its slick, cuz most things you might want (eyeliner, lipstick, zit creme, nail polish, etc) all slide up there without any hassle or major slight of hand. But don't go overboard. One or two items on a trip. Less risk, even if you are COMPLETELY RETARDED AND GET CAUGHT.

8. If you think someone's really on to you, and normally they aren't. Regardless, your paranoia shows and could get noticed. So then just drop off the loot and try somewhere else.

9. Don't overexhaust your theft limit in each store. You only get a lucky a dozen times, and then BAM. So take a break between your little jobs, and go to a variety of places. Also, keep this in mind: places like Walmart invest in cameras so they may very well have footage of you stealing. Therefore, you need to make it super discreet and monitor how much you go in there. Change how you look sometimes too. These places have been known to occassionally slap someone with felony charges based on a video collection of several thefts.

10. Cameras are in the parking lot too, so keep the shit away until you're off the damn premises! (unless you're only in a place once and you feel cheeky!)

11. Stealing feels great, so don't forget to enjoy it. Your joy and smiling glee will rub off on the employees. Besides they probably feel great knowing that some people have their way with the merchandise.

12. But for heavens sake, don't be chatty and goofy. get in, get out, get on with your life!

13. Sometimes the spontaneous steal, when the moment is right, is the best. It feels great, and normally your body is very good at detecting prime stealing time. Listen to yourself.

hair gone grey from over peroxide
stepping cautiously into the blue upon second thought.

I spray bleach on the kitty to make it wince.
I drink down my cider pills and diazepam with charcoal water,
I like the taste of a thousand bayonets charging.

you see, I have no respect for the flesh, but I ain't a christian.

I know the difference between the cure and the snake oil.
and I see the difference in you.

Having had more time than one should for such things,
I've devised a way to torture-you-true.

And for all this: I get a coupon to cry, a ticket to ride,
and a fountain pen to slowly drive into my arm.

I am the who made this all wrong.
what with my King Korean, my impotent drunk,
and my litle boys with perv-notions,
always hiking up my skirts for lookers-passed.

getting wet at the first sign of destruction.
(you left me parched and solidified on top of some luscious gravy)

Well I've been reading a lot of info put up on moveon.org's site. I suggest checking it out. I am not into most left or right propaganda, but Bush is really starting to scare me, and what's more disturbing is the nation's. My job here in Berkeley is to conduct a sociology survey over the phone (for UC profs) and its amazing how uninformed, confused, apathetic, adamently ignorant and just plain crude people are when it comes to political issues. I called one woman who was like "I believe anything and follow anything Arnold (new governor/action hero) says!"

AHHHH! I really hate Berkeley. Its all white girls with dredlocks carrying "No Blood for Oil" signs whilst licking at gelato cones...arg.

I may be asking my uncle to let me borrow his digital camera so that I can make a 30 second ad against Bush. Jack Black, Moby, Eddie Vedder and some other political big shots/celebs/leftists are going to be judging the ads and the winner's ad will be aired.
For a wee little film student, that is pretty neat-o.

Trying to get the motivation to clean or something but it just isn't happening. I've decided that working only night-shifts really makes me depressed. I feel like I don't accomplish anything during the day.

More and more I am thinking that I want to go to Brown or NYU for grad. school, though Rochester is a close third, since I would be closer to family. Running away from my family got rather tiresome after this wretched, drawn-out breakup with the X. I realize my family has to like me, even when I am a lying cheating unlikable femme fatale wannabe. heh, suckers!

I sent out my apartment app. Let's hope that all works out. I need a place to live that isn't with my ex-boyfriend.

Oh here's a shitty "poem" about living with my ex in Berkeley:

Is this mind to work as a cinema or a theater stage--you tell me:

I need the metaphor of seasons. every morning
I don't wake from darkness to light like the luckier ones,
I'm on a longer, tortuous cycle, baby. spin me off into autumn. get me off this ride.

I've found the thousand daddy dollar porno lined mommy complex closet
in your weakest organs.
(Boy, I could sit here all day with my microscope, collecting samples and watching you squirm)

little scientist me with my vedas and my panopticon...don't take that many tools.
Just the right ones.
(Please don't bother trying to close up shop, your secrets have been sold for pennies)

Just because I like it--doesn't make it something I like per se. Isn't that your logic?

Mommy-indulgent teaches us these rules. Patriarchy seeps through her wide open pores
like the toxic sludge of a thousand sainted blow jobs.

I just spin my stationary bike faster.

We bitches wonder at your god who puts us in back--wonder at your final solution against all the mary/marias of world.

and you get pulled along in your radio-flyer obeisance.
do you darling
really think we are
for one moment
what mommy whispered and daddy winked?

well here it is, I think I like live journal for the communities that the opportunity to display cool icons.

Anyway, Zeno the pussy-cat is laying here on my lap, keeping me warm. These people in California can't seem to grasp how to handle the seasons. Or to grasp the fact that there are seasons at all. Its messed up.

I'm getting a little worried about moving back to New York though, I do enjoy the proximity of family and friends there, but that's a double edged sword.

Here i can seriously hibernate for days and that's kind of dope.

I just used the word dope and i apologize. That was subversive and pseudohip about 4 years ago. again, I apologize.

I do sort of like the notion that since no one I know really knows that I have this damned thing, I can't pretty much say what I want and not be too terribly concerned. No one reads the damn thing.

If I thought anyone did then I'd be much more concerned with making coherent statements and cutesy jokes. ugh. that would be obnoxious.

Anyway, I think I'll go post some important mail. Applying to live in an apartment can be like applying for the fucking CIA or something. God, these folks are nosey.

My cat can't stop farting. remember, jesus loves you (but he shouldn't touch you in your bathing suit zone, that's wrong)